I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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