You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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