You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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