My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
