we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
