saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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