The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
