my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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