I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
