I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
