My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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