u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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