Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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