Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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