just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
