As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
