i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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