I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
