i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
