Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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