I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
