that's an acceptable place to lick
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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