Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
