when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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