I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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