brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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