last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
