it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
