i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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