I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
