Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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