I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
