while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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