i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sorry about my life...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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