first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
