ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
3pm strippers are depressing
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
