I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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