I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
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I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
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I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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