My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
