everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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