Dude my mom stole all your condoms
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
