So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
