I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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