And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
