matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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