best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my shit smells like andre
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
