I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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