just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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