I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
