i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
