I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
