pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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