I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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