I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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