Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
