god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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