just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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