Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
