I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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