pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
