I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
