dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
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I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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