Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
