You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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