I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
